BY MICHAEL S. JOHNSON
Some things to ponder, just not too long:
I was watching ABC World News with Diane Sawyer and complaining about the blurriness of the picture. I thought I’d better call Comcast when my wife, who knows about such things, said it wasn’t the TV. It was ABC softening the lighting to make Diane’s wrinkles and the bags under her eyes less noticeable. The next day the Washington Examiner ran a picture of Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s cover shot in Capitol File magazine that makes her look half her age. The reason: “There is airbrushing around her eyes…her upper lid has been airbrushed to make it look like there is less fat on the inside…and there is airbrushing on the line of her jaw…her neck has been blended, and the lines on her face are very subtle,” according to a plastic surgeon. The next day in the Washington Post, a big Style section splash about Rep. Kevin McCarthy and colleagues toning up the muscles with celebrity trainer Tony Horton in the exclusive House gym. I guess it’s important to look good when you’re doing well.
- Speaking of cosmetics, there is something terribly wrong with the celebrity cult and culture in this country that thrives on and profits from the utter destruction of human beings, like actress Lindsay Lohan, a young woman who seems like the picture postcard victim of so many of our social ills, from mindless, intrusive celebrity media to Hollywood greed to familial dysfunction, which that media exploits and encourages. It reminds me of the Truman Show starring Jim Carrey. That had a happy ending. I hope this real-life drama does, too.
- The Reliable Source in the Washington Post the other day did a piece about the great 60s rocker Jimi Hendrix. Some of his clothes and a guitar are being loaned to the American Indian Museum. The Reliable Source described Hendrix this way: “Say the name Jimi Hendrix and you think: rock star. Woodstock. Crazy Costumes. Greatest electric guitar player ever.” Okay, but I also think of a drug abuser who died of an overdose and set a really bad example for a whole generation of drop-outs. Like, let’s keep it real, man.
- The Internet is a constant source of good stories and jokes. Here’s one: A down and out businessman goes to a clergyman for advice. He tells him he put everything he had into the business. It failed. He owes everybody and is even contemplating suicide. When he finished, the clergyman says, “Here’s what I want you to do: Take a beach chair and your Bible and drive down to the beach. Go to the water’s edge sit down and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, and when the wind calms down and one page is open to you look down and read the first thing you see. That will tell you what to do.” Some months later the businessman returned to the church with his wife and children, wearing a new custom-tailored suit and his wife, a mink coat. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the preacher as a donation in thanks for his advice.
“You did as I suggested?” the clergyman asked.
“Absolutely,” replied the businessman.
“You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?”
“Absolutely.”
“You let the pages rifle until they stopped?”
“Absolutely.”
“And what were the first words you saw?”
“Chapter 11.”
· I do not recall where I got them so I can’t credit the originator, but here are some deep insights for your reflection and a better life:
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
If you believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
You know the speed of light and sound, what's the speed of dark?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Light travels faster than sound, so some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Editors’s Note: Mike Johnson is a former journalist, who worked on the Ford White House staff and served as press secretary and chief of staff to House Republican Leader Bob Michel, prior to entering the private sector. He is co-author of a book, Surviving Congress, a guide for congressional staff. He is currently a principal with the OB-C Group.